God Loves Ugly

its been a long time since Ive been here, I get so lost in life sometimes, my plate fills up so fast and so full that my mind melts into the things that matter most until I wake up a week or two later and realize jut what the hell Ive been doing. Why cant I SLOW DOWN?
I dont have anybody to tell me to sit down and shut up and half the time thats what I need. Im always in a hurry, always ready to smash my way through whatever needs done. If I wasnt so good at it, maybe I wouldnt do it huh.
The snows are trying to come, Winter is almost here again.....Im 31 for the first time and my parents still wont sit down with me. I dont know what I want from them I dont know what I have to give them and Im certain nothing healthy can come from all of us as a team but sometimes it eats at me with the way it is, the way its been for so many years now.
My relationship with Eric is tenative and cautious at best, my time with Dover is fun but not substantial by any means and my youngest brother Marc has absolutely nothing to do with me per his own request: I dont know why.
Why is it that people of faith such as these are so fast to judge and throw stones? I admire Eric for his small communications with me, but again they are small at best. Nothing really substantial. I dont get the chance to know my family the way I want to, I can only accept what Im given on the terms its delivered, all of which I am not allowed to include my opinion or needs on. Now go back and read the last sentence of the first paragraph. Words that DO NOT describe me are: hesitant, tenative, unsure, unsteady. These are the terms I must abide by, or I get nothing at all.
When I was a kid I never thought being an adult would be like this. I thought I would call my folks every Sunday and Wednesday, and a few days in between too. I thought I would call my little brothers to flip em shit just becasue I could. I knew I would be able to come over unannounced for a cup of coffee or a word of advice. The only thing "good" outta this scene is my bankbook is fat. If I had active involvement in my familys life I'd be broke getting them anything they so much as looked at or needed.
My favourite times with Marc and Eric are the moments when I taught them how to fly fish up the North Fork of the CDA river when they let thier guard down long enough to let me be their brother that hot summer afternoon. We didnt catch a thing and it wasnt long before we said screw the fish and we jumped in that River and did what brothers do best. Maybe that was 8 years ago I dont know, but it makes me sad in a way now cuz here I am 31 years old and thats all we have.
Forgiveness is what Ive learned in my life, letting go and believing in water under the bridge.
Let go and move on taking whats left and building on it for tomorrow.

Look at the title of this post and you will know who you are and what this is all about. Baby dont be like I was with the people who love you and work thier asses off to make sure you get what you need every day whether you like the way its done or not. There is alot of love there and its up to you to accept it, make the most of what youve got while it can still be managed and cared for. You can have everything you have ever wanted without raising hell to get it. I told you Friday night about the price Ive paid for the life I am lucky enough to live. Youve seen it and you know Im blessed big time but Ive fought twice as hard as anyone without anyone but the Captain to help weather the storms. He is gone and has been for some time so that leaves me alone at the wheel. Youve got everything anyone could ever want, your beautiful and smart and I know for a fact theres people out there who love you as twice as much as I do, and theres no way to know how much I love you....so anyone else must be bustin out at the seams for you.
Sit tight, live and love what youve got but dont forget about my door: Its always open.

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